We’ll start with a disclosure: this isn’t all-inclusive. It’s such a knotty ball of pain and memory… where do I even begin? Some of it is “family of origin” stuff, as a therapist would say. 2007 is a good time to highlight though, since it’s when I went to massage school.
Muscles… I learned lots of ways to massage them: with the grain (pleasant), against the grain (sometimes necessary), percussively, gently, and ultimately, effectively. Along with all that good information came what I will refer to as bodywork lore. It’s part New Age, part folk remedy. A lot of it can feel meaningful, and perhaps has some use, acknowledging its limitations. Bodywork lore is a beast all its own, something I’ll take on separately.
Along with this health-fascination period of my life, I began going to a naturopath. I stopped eating dairy products. While looking for dairy-free nutrition resources and recipes, I came across vegan information. From there, I spiraled into a very strict idea of “clean eating,” from which I didn’t emerge for upward of ten years.
I became obsessed with healthy food. My “disgust” and “fear” modes were in full swing. I was highly motivated. I scoured food labels for the “bad guy” ingredients. If I couldn’t find a product I felt was safe, I made it. I cooked and baked… from scratch… a lot… several times a day. The list of things I avoided wrapped the block a couple times.
When I went through my first pregnancy, it became much, much worse. My emotions were heightened and the stakes were higher. I would not compromise any child of mine with tainted food. It. Was. So. Hard. And not only was it hard, it was incredibly isolating. Even if anyone did listen to me (and nobody did), I could never explain it fully… the whats and whys, the problem, the solution. I had subscribed to all of the natural and alternative mom blogs, the organic and vegan blogs, etc. I’d been listening to this stuff long enough that it was hard to remember the details anymore. But I knew it with every fiber of my being: the conclusions about who was right, who was wrong, and how to live because of that.
As if I weren’t going through enough, my first birth experience was lackluster, to say the least. It affirmed to me a ton of negative things about Western medical practice. I was traumatized, and I sought refuge with crunchy mama sort… the kind who were vaccine-hesitant. To believe some of this stuff, you have to have a pretty grim view of the world. It’s demoralizing, yet somehow relieving because there’s a simple narrative. I didn’t trust a lot of people, and it made sense to me.
In 2018, my husband and I had some landmark discussions and I decided to turn my back on the organic movement. It was hard. At the time, I was finishing up my two-year degree, so I took a nutrition class for a science requirement. In that class, I read about eating disorders and I realized I’d been through something like that. I looked for help and finally identified what I’d struggled with for so long: orthorexia nervosa.
Some people say it’s a form of disordered eating. Others call it a variation of obsessive compulsive disorder. It often co-occurs with anxiety and depression, yet it’s similar to anorexia, since those who experience it often seem high-functioning and in control. At any rate, it’s an unhealthy obsession with healthy eating, and I’d had it. In some ways, I may always, but I decided to fundamentally change my relationship with food.
Food had become such a central part of my life. I’d tried so hard to be good at it… to protect my family, to maintain my body, to be vigilant against medical tyranny. I’d curated my life based on this “off” worldview. By this time, my husband was incredibly supportive of my journey, but I still felt alone. Yeah, he was there. But he wasn’t leaving friends, groups, recipe books, blogs, and known comforts behind. I was.
So that’s my backstory, or at least part of it. I struggled with food and food conspiracies and health conspiracies. And general mistrust of government agencies. I struggled to feel safe, supported. How did I make it back to a feeling of safety and security? Read our latest posts or search the blog for the topics or tags you’re most interested in…